I never thought much about physical pain most of my life. It's not that I wasn't familiar with it; one bad car accident when I was three and chronic strep throat allowed me to experience it on my own, but I never gave too much thought to other people's pain. I sympathized with it, as much as one can, but never understood it as I do now.
I am in my late thirties and I don't feel old by any definition of the word. But catch me in the throes of one of my allergy-induced migraines (thanks, Austin!), monthly cramps exacerbated by endometriosis and uterine fibroids, wrists gone numb and shaky from carpal tunnel, or watching the care I take with my right arm so as not to aggravate the inflamed whatever in my right shoulder, and I feel downright ancient.
On top of that, I feel guilty. Like everyone thinks I'm faking it. No, no, thank you, I don't want to do that fun thing you offered because I'd rather lie here on the couch. No, don't mind me here. I know I stood up and just doubled over, but it's nothing really, just a feeling like someone punched me with a spiked glove in the abdomen. I shouldn't have stood so fast. It'll pass.
I really do say stuff like that. And I sit there at work while feeling like a wombat is trying to claw its way out of my brain and the top of my head and feel guilty because I want to go home. Or I stay home (and work from home), and feel bad because I'm convinced others think I'm making it up.
I occurred to me this morning as I woke up at my usual time for work and thought, "Nope. Not. Gonna. Do. It." that pain is so personal. It's internal. It can't be quantified. There is no set of standards that works for every person. I get a tattoo and go all zen deep into it. Someone else gets the same tattoo and pukes when the needle touches his skin.
I am in pain almost every day now from something that's just gone wrong in my body. And most days I can handle it; most days I just do that grin and bear it thing. Unfortunately that means the days I can't bear it, I feel I've failed somehow. I mean, I worked for mega bookstore chain for three years and I think I called in sick all of five times. I went back to work early after having major abdominal surgery because I was just that bored. Why can't I give myself a break now?
I think for me it's just anger. At my body for betraying me. At myself for giving in. At the world for judging me (in my mind - I realize I am the only one doing the judging). And the frustration of not being able to externally express it without crying. If there were a way I could wear my pain like an appendage so those around me would understand why I am so grumpy, why I seem I'm not paying attention, why I don't feel like doing that thing, I would.
But then I wonder why I feel I have to justify it for everyone else. Why does it matter if no one believes me? I don't care if others agree with me on most matters. I generally don't give fuck all what anyone thinks of my taste in music, clothing, TV, opinions. Why is it so important "They" believe me when I say I'm in pain?
And is it the same for everyone else?
Europa Missions
3 days ago
5 comments:
first off I love this
"I get a tattoo and go all zen deep into it. Someone else gets the same tattoo and pukes when the needle touches his skin."
personally speaking I always feel like I'm being a whiny butt whenever I complain about physical pain, but then there comes a time when i am actually able to say "hold on, I'm HURTING dammit! and I'm not going to pretend I'm FINE!". Usually that moment comes when the physical pains becomes intolerable. Thankfully that isn't too often, but it happens occasionally, usually when i forget to take care of myself.
YOU, just as much as anyone else on this earth, are allowed to hurt, whether that pain be physical or emotional.
Don't worry, hon, it only gets worse as you get older.
Though the period pain stops with the periods. But the hot flushes start...
You're not alone. I think part of the problem is the "play through the pain" mentality. You wouldn't believe the negative attitudes I got when at age 16, I tore a ligament in my left leg and just out right quit gymnastics because while I could handle a sprained ankle or two, that was just like my whole entire leg was on fire. Oh and I won't even go into the 'tape it up and get back out there' attitude I got when I did just sprain my ankle. Not me, I just waited until it was healed.
The thing is, if you're in pain, your body is telling you something. It's telling you to do what makes you feel better. Lie down, take it easy. That's been my motto my entire life. I will take an aspirin if I think I'm going to have a headache. Pain is something I don't tolerate very well and I don't care what anyone says or thinks, if I'm hurting, I'm not going to 'work through the pain.' I'm going to listen to my body and do what makes me feel better.
It's the same thinking that has people who are hacking up a lung going into work, infecting everyone else because they feel that 'guilt' about not going into work. I do believe our society and attitudes in the workplace reinforce that idea. I know I used to feel like you about taking sick time for myself, etc. Now, if I'm sick, I'm sick and there's no one on this earth who will make me feel guilty about taking my sick time.
It also goes hand in hand with the mentality that you have to busy and doing a thousand things or else you'll be seen as lazy. I never really bought into that, but then I do consider myself somewhat lazy.
In any case, now that I've written another novel, I'll just say, I hope you're feeling better soon and please take care of yourself. The opinion of others isn't going to cure your ills. Listening to your body is. I know it's easier said than done but you'll feel a lot better about yourself when you do.
The Greek Festival kicked my ass. My whole right leg hurts and I think I'm getting a cold. I did get a fuckin' rad ass tan, though.
One more month.
oops, I put you're when it's supposed to be your.
OH WELL.
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