Angst Alert (and kind of preachy as well!). Oh Well.

As food aid finally reaches the cyclone-stricken population in Myanmar, I am reminded again of how easily one population can be held hostage by their government. I watched it happen two and a half years ago on my home turf. Unlike then, the US government has engaged in lengthy negotiations with the military junta controlling the country to allow relief workers to enter with supplies. For that, I am glad, but it doesn't end there. Thousands of people are crammed into tiny refugee camps with little in the way of necessary comforts. The lack of sanitation will cause more deaths.

Today for the first time since it happened, I saw footage of parents in China grieving over the bodies of their children. I was late to work, too busy crying over the helplessness that suddenly washed over me.

After Katrina, I was filled with that same helplessness, but it was coupled with rage. It doesn't matter whether or not I personally know people who suffered on those streets or in the Superdome (I do), what mattered was the misery and suffering I had to witness and yet be separated from. And you know what? I agree with Kanye. George Bush probably does hate black people. Though I don't hold him wholly responsible for what happened. I mean, it's not like he's alone in that sentiment.

Disaster fatigue will set in soon enough and we will all once again worry more about the antics of the latest celebutant than how those parents are coping with the sudden loss of their only child (don't forget China's one-child policy), or how many more people in a tiny country in Southeast Asia no one even cares about are dead because of unsanitary conditions. Most of the rest of the world will move on. I used to feel kind of dirty acknowledging this. Now I realize it is human nature. It is a survival technique that keeps us going in the face of daily tragedy--personal, political, world-wide.

In the past when confronted with so much human ugliness and misery, my brain reverted to what I call "denial mode." Specifically after the OKC bombings and after 9/11, I refused to believe humans were capable of so much mindless evil, and instead found a very brief comfort in blaming, then turning my back on, God. Because as the all -powerful, he should have stopped it from happening in the first place.

But here's what I've learned about myself. I can't not believe in God. Every time I feel I managed to convince myself of my belief's pointlessness, I felt a brief moment of release, followed by constant uneasiness and unhappiness. It was almost as if my sudden fall into atheism became the equivalent of an ill-fitting bra with chronic discomfort and the constant awareness of its existence. And after a few itchy months, I would have to realize what a part of me obviously knew all along:

• the Oklahoma City bombing was a horrible act perpetrated by a very misguided and unhappy young man who wanted to teach us a lesson (that we're still not getting)
• the 9/11 attack was a horrible act perpetrated by very angry and disillusioned young men who wanted to teach us a lesson (that we're still not getting)
• and on a smaller scale: people we love die, sometimes long before we're ready for them to, but it happens because people die everyday and I guess statistically it has to happen every once in a while to someone we know personally. God is not "calling anyone home." That would make him very codependent.
  

I realize I'm simplifying something more complex and messy, but that's how I make sense of things. If I am to believe in God (as it appears I feel I need to regardless of my own intentions), then I have to recognize that I believe humans were given free will in the hopes we would figure a few things out on our own. Some of us have, but most have not.

Because here is where, for me, it ties all together. IF we can cry and mourn the loss of life in a far away country because of disaster, why can we not also mourn the loss of civilian life due to perpetrated violence? Due to war? IF we can become outraged at a government's cavalier treatment of its own citizens after a disaster, why can't we become equally outraged at our government's cavalier treatment of another country's citizens? The questions could go on and on...

I don't believe in a God who puts out an invisible hand to cushion us. I believe in a God who gave us a perfect world to live in and the intelligence and capability to live in peace. I believe that God is now waiting for us to make the connections needed to realize that perfection. It doesn't matter whether or not we believe, or what we believe, as long as we have faith that this world can be a better place. That the anguish I feel for the sufferers of tragedy are not delineated by the cause of that tragedy, or the color of their skin, or what religion they practice.

It has taken me a long time to get to this point. I hope I'm finally getting it.