In Avoiding Conflict, She Avoided Life Altogether

Last night, the better half and I had what may be termed as a disagreement over dinner about what I perceived as his cavalier attitude towards the behavior of his male friends. We were in a restaurant and actually having a pleasant time, talking this and that, but talk veered madly for about 20 minutes and I had to fight the urge to do what I usually do, concede and move on. I needed him to see how much it bothered me, even though I tend to back away from any sort of confrontation. In the past I would have filed his stories away as further evidence of his hypocrisy. His gentle allowance and seeming acceptance of his friends's boorish behavior was further evidence to me of an obvious character defect.

For some reason last night, I challenged this defect and let him know I intended for him to live up to the model he proclaims to be for others. This is important to me. I dislike three main types of people: bigots, cynics, and hypocrites. I believe we can all live as models of goodness for others. I know he is looked up to by his friends as the "good guy" model and I appreciate that about him. But what kind of model is he when he doesn't even appear upset by this behavior, even seems to act amused by it? What am I supposed to think of this man who finds cheating and over indulgence funny?

So I did the challenging. I'd had enough. I'd had 14 years of enough. And it felt fucking fantastic. He got defensive and I continued to state my case and we went round and round and neither of us won or lost.

And for the first time in ages, we sat at a dinner table for over an hour and talked to each other. We had a conversation. We chatted and shared and got annoyed, but we didn't once stop talking and allow silence to feel normal.

And it was nice.

Holy Fucking Crap!!!

That's really all I can say at the moment.

Really. I don't have time to go into it.

I just had to express the utter holy-fucking-crapness of this day.

Here is a picture to calm me:

The Goddessdster Expresses a Need

Sometimes I'm not too sure what I'm doing here. By here, I don't mean this blog. I know exactly why I'm typing these words. But here, in the sense that I have no idea what the fucking point is.

Sometimes it makes perfect sense.

Sometimes I feel the pointlessness of it all as an exercise in creating meaning out of nothing. If I can say: I tried to learn as much as I could about the world and treated people decently, then I feel I've lived a good life. I truly do believe that smiling at one person each day is reason enough for a seemingly meaningless existence. Maybe my entire purpose is to be little more than a supporting character for the human race. That's not a knock. I think supporting characters sometimes have the most important roles. They provide the feedback, the reaction, the comic relief, so the main character can develop into a fully three-dimensional being.

Who is the main character? I guess if I were one of those unapologetic Jesus freaks (and that is not an insult, but in many ways an expression of envy - I wish I could believe so freely and unapologetically in something not empirically visible), I would say God is the main character of the Universe and we are all supporting characters. In many ways, I believe that to be true. And yet, as it applies to my small life, I think my supporting character role is reserved for he or she who needs me most. I live my life needing to be needed or I just don't understand what good I am.

How pathetic is that? Except I also believe there is no pathos in freely expressing how one feels.

Which brings me back to my opening statement. Why a blog, when I spent so long mocking others for doing exactly this? Am I finally giving in admitting my own hypocrisy? Probably, but I do that a lot. I am here for what I believe is the same reason you are here and so many others. Because if I don't figure out a way to express how I feel, I think I'll just go crazy.

Welcome to my world.