Note:
This is part of a series of letters I wrote almost two years ago, when my life was so very different than it is now. I just found them, and find something in them that touches me: how, even though I was desperately unhappy at the time, I still had hope there was a solution and that it would help me.
Second Note:
For the record, I am much better. And yes, I do believe in God, if you haven't figured that out by now from previous posts.
Dear God,
Why can't I be happy?
Buddhists would say I need to let go of the expectations and idealizations I have concerning my own life. that my suffering comes from my attachment to these expectations which my life can never live up to and will never actually fulfill me.
Evangelical Christians say I am unhappy because my relationship with you is broken, probably because of Eve, and my entire life is one long journey back into your good graces.
Other Christians will point out that I am a sinner by nature - that my whole life is tainted by sin and that sin eats away at my soul. That I am constantly tempted by Satan and it is this struggle with temptation which causes my unhappiness.
I say I know very few happy atheists and that all of life is one long-ass journey to find you or someone like you. Perhaps even to touch your hand or feel we could.
I think the Jews also believe I need to make things right with you. That you are loving but displeased with me, that is why my unhappiness is caused by punishment.
I don't know if that's right or not, but it doesn't feel it. I think you are possibly up there wondering what the hell we're doing down here scurrying around trying to please you, as if we know what it is you want.
I think the Buddhists have it right in part - that I want too much.
There are brief periods in which I realize this is my life and I have no other and I just have to figure out how to be happy on my own - here and now. But sometimes that is at odds with my christian self, who feels the yearning is normal, a part of all human experience. I wish I knew.
If you have any thoughts on the matter, feel free to get in touch.
Love, D.
Europa Missions
3 days ago
7 comments:
I wanted to comment earlier but it wouldn't let me.
The abbreviated version is, I'm glad you are happier now.
As someone who was fascinated by religion in high school, I have to say, I've learned to appreciate something about all of them but stick to Buddhism as my base. I was born into it and it's what I know. :)
do I even have to say I agree more with the Buddhist point of veiw than any other?? This letter is great, you know why I think so? Because even when you were so unhappy you were brave enough to go towards the source of unhappiness and try and figure it out. That's a hell of a lot more than I can do most of the time.
do I even have to say I agree more with the Buddhist point of veiw than any other?? This letter is great, you know why I think so? Because even when you were so unhappy you were brave enough to go towards the source of unhappiness and try and figure it out. That's a hell of a lot more than I can do most of the time.
Well, I grew up in an atheist home but attended church with my friends and went to a Baptist summer camp for ten years, although I never really thought about myself outside of God. When I was 16, I said I was an atheist, but then around 18, I said no, that's very limiting, and now I am agnostic. For the past three years, I have studied Buddhism (which is not in conflict with other religions, at least, not the philosophy of it), and it has really helped me to be a happy, understanding agnostic. (And there are atheists out there that are happy...)
The hardest concept for most humans is that they EXPECT happiness, like they are entitled to it. Like it's a formula and if they get all the variables right, they'll find and know happiness. That's not true. Happiness is contentment -- and not in a "I'm settling and have no emotions" kind of way -- but in a deep philosophical understanding that life is hard, that people sometimes suck, that things often go wrong or not the way you want, and you just have to learn to accept it. But you don't have to love these changes -- that's synthetic happiness. You just have to accept that these things happen. Whatever they may be.
One of the most difficult parts of being in "an unhappy/unpleasant mood" is that you're constantly inside your brain. It's hard to always be conscious of yourself, especially when you'd rather not be. And surrounding yourself with other people doesn't necessarily get rid of the isolation. My suggestion? Do something mundane, something you can do on auto-pilot. Take a drive with the windows down (the sound of the air will ease the inner monologue). Start painting (it's surprisingly very soothing). Clean your house with products that have an appealing smell (the smell will always distract your inner monologue).
Life is hard. Struggling with your faith is even harder. Having unanswerable questions is the hardest. (Although Garth Brooks' "Unanswered Prayers" may bring some insight...?) But everyone's in the same boat. Everyone -- for the most part, I hope -- wants to be good and to have a pleasing existence. It's up to you to decipher how you fit into this jigsaw puzzle known as life.
Me? I'm a corner piece.
Gosh, there are a lot of Buddhists out there!
I can't even be bothered to be an agnostic or an atheist. It all seems like superstition to me. I mean look at the people who purport to be among the faithful. Bush! The Pope! (How many deaths in poor Catholic countries is HE responsible for?)
While I usually attempt to respond to everyone who puts such thoughtful comments on my blog, that has been impossible lately due to my parents visiting. So intead, I'll give you all my overview of where I am since the time this letter was written.
I realized something important not too long ago: that most people do not recognize happiness as it is happening, but after it has passed. This doesn't lessen the impact of those happy moments, but it could affect our general outlook on our lives as a whole. Sine that realization, I have made a more concious effort to be more aware of my emotions as they occur, and to grab onto those that bring me joy. In this, I have learned that I am happier than I ever would have realized, because there is so much in life that brings me joy.
I am not someone who can ever get out of her own head. And that has saved me as well, for in this introspection, I have managed to evaluate so much about my reactions to certain situations, my true values about life, and what my priorities say about me.
As for my statement in there about knowing few happy athiests. I feel I must clarify that I know there are as many happy as discontented athiests. But the ones I know tend toward unhappiness. I feel this says more about the friends I make (not in a negative sense), that I am drawn to people who wish to examine life in all its gritty detail, the essence of which ends up being: what is the point of all this? Those I know who follow some belief system rarely ask that question, or if they do are able to find a lot of solace in what that belief system offers them.
I am a searcher and seeker by nature. I was raised by an athiest (happily so) and another seeker/searcher who is now very happily ensconsed within his liberal Christian faith. And I spend my time sorting through the grit and grime of the world, sifting beliefs and dogmas that make sense to me, even in those that don't make sense.
My life is a staircase and I am only moving upwards. And I know not every question I have will be answered to my satisfaction. But that's okay, because I still have time to ponder them. And while I'm doing that? I'll be reaching out to grab onto those fleeting moments of joy that are passing through my life.
I have definitly written letters similar to this. Just wanting to know how to be...better...happier. To not feel so tired of everything and wanting to know why I was put into the family, the place that I was, but I don't belive God is there to give us a magic answer to make everything better. It's different for every person, but you have to make it possible. This is somethign I'm sure I'll struggle with my whole life because I know I fall into depression very easily.
I believe there is a God, but I don't think there is one way to find him or her - personally i think God is more of an "it" -- an intagible prescence.
Taoism, for me, makes the most sense and I find is generaly how I see the world. It's about finding balance and realizing that there is some bad that comes with the good and that there is sometimes good that comes with the bad.
I also have never met a truly happy atheist. the handful that i know are either angry or our severely depressed but won't get any help. I'm sure there are happy atheist, but I think it's a natural desire in all of us to have some sort of spritual connection to something.
Post a Comment