I feel blue lately. I don't know why. I should be excited. It's almost Friday. I'm leaving Sunday to visit with friends and family in New Orleans (of whom I don't see nearly enough for my taste - which is something along the lines of every other day...). My bestest friend is getting married in a little over a week and she seems pretty blissed about that - which in turn pleases me because I love to see my loved ones happy. And I get to wear a pretty dress as her best woman (do NOT ever call me the matron of honor, please - I may be married, but there's nothing matronly about me but my bosoms). I even just finished reading a pretty fucking heartwarming book that didn't make me squirm once. Usually I'm the sort of person that always looks for the moments of joy that secret themselves in our lives. But lately it seems I'm the Queen of Doom. And no one wants to hang with the queen of doom. Queen of Dom, maybe, but no.
I keep waiting for this other shoe to drop: the one that tells me I did seriously fuck up at work, I shouldn't have let my irreverent sense of humor go that far, everyone I love is gone and there's no getting them back. WTF?
I haven't even been able to cheer myself with pictures of my not-so-secret obsession, and that's something I can usually count on.
I am a seeker by nature. I am always looking for answers, reasons, angles, new perspectives. Sometimes I think I overload my brain with too much information and instead of helping, all that info makes me want to crawl into a dark space and curl up into a trembling ball. This world confuses me with its constant onslaught of agenda, rationale, violence, and heartbreak. Even when I know in my bones that isn't all it is. I know because of the people I work with who give so much of themselves. I know because of the people I love who embody so much more than greed and blind acceptance. Yet even in knowing this, I still carry the weight of every negative aspect of the world on my shoulders as if I alone am responsible for saving it. Yeah, yeah, I know. Get over myself. Right? Please allow me the indulgence I would allow you in these same circumstances.
How can I feel so down when I see God in the face of every person I pass?
Thoughts? Comments? Random insults or indulgence? Feel free to share in the comments.
Europa Missions
3 days ago
3 comments:
I really like how masturbation is one of the labels for this blog.
you...much like ME, have the little discuss but unfortunately all too real and agonizing issue of being far too much of a thinker. We are inner philosphers by our nature. we are also the creative types, and you know what Pearl Buck said about them don't you? Don't you??? well this is what she said
ahem...
"The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: a human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive. To him, a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death. Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create — so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, his very breath is cut off from him. He must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency he is not really alive unless he is creating."
when I saw this, I yelped (really I did) yes!!!! that's it!!!! that's me!!!! SOMEONE GETS IT!!!
I think, in a lot of ways..this is US my friend.
My Mom would say the exact thing (except she would use SHE instead of HE in that quote). thank you for reminding me of...well...who I am.
Perhaps it is this alikeness we share that helps us remain so kind to each other, no? I love you.
AND...I wish I could just figure the fuck out what it is I feel so driven to create, because that is still a mystery that plagues me.
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