The more I learn about the world, people in it, my own interactions, the busier and crazier my brain feels. It's as if there isn't enough space in there to process all the thinking that's going on. Do I sound crazy? I feel it, mostly because I don't have anyone to talk to about all this. Truth is, if I were single right now, I'd probably be living in an intentional community somewhere, just trying to love my neighbor and practice radical subversive economics. But of course I can't do that. I'm lucky I can convince my (amazing and very sweet) husband we DON'T need most of the stuff he wants. That the things we have are enough (ask me sometime about the Fry Daddy incident - I. could. kill. his. mother.).
And then it occurs to me that I'm a hypocrite. I like stuff. I buy books almost weekly. I just purchased a new set of sheets for the bed, not because we needed a new set of sheets, but because I thought they were cool. But I'm basing the health of my marriage on whether or not I can convince the husband to switch from bottled water to a water filter (I'm almost there). And the one person I felt I could talk to about Jesus just sent me an email with the most disappointing and formulaic anti-feminist crap in it...I responded, attempting to educate, but then I figured oh, what is the fucking point!?!?!? People are going to believe whatever they fucking well want to believe. Isn't that how Obama lost Pennsylvania? Because no one wants to think outside their little comfort zone? And if everyone is so happy there, why can't I just settle in and be happy too?
So on one hand, I'm trying to convince myself to give up. Stop trying to engage the world in my own radical way. It doesn't matter anyway, and all that ends up happening is my own despair when I turn on the TV and see so much horror and apathy. But on the other, I am still engaging, still getting the optimistic shit beat out of me every day, and still waking up the next morning wondering what good I can accomplish; looking forward to the tiny surprising thing that'll happen (as it seems to always) to keep me from giving up.
Sometimes I have to accept that keeping one's mind open is an invitation for all sorts of mischief.
My quote of the day:
A Christian is committed to the belief that Love and Mercy are the most powerful forces on earth.
- Thomas Merton
Passion for Peace
6 comments:
oh geez I don't even think the book buying issue should even be mentioned. Then again, I tend to be slightly prejudice in that area. We are all consumers wether we want to be or not, then question is whether or not we are conscious consumers. I think if you're beginning to get those feelings of fidgetiness, wondering what direction you're supposed to go, then it means that the path is about to show itself very soon. It could be your inner bloodhound at work, howling to let you know how close you are. If you keep your heart and mind open I'm willing to bet it'll appear when you least expect it.
Um...what's the Fry Daddy incedent???
I expect standards from people that I can't understand them not aspiring to. I get ridiculed for turning off the light in the staff room when the sunlight is blazing through the windows. I don't get it.
The Fry Daddy Incident:
The husband wanted to fry something.
Usually we eat our lovely battered and fried goodies in a restaurant. For a reason. Frying food is messy and requires tools we do not have, namely something in which to fry the whatever. We do not have that something. I (as acting kitchen goddess) do not want the something, mostly due to the mess involved in deep frying, the space needed to undertake such a task, and the gallons of oil that will sit around afterward.
"We need a Fry Daddy," says the husband.
"No!" says the kitchen (and general clean-up) goddess.
"Okay," says the ever agreeable husband.
So what do we get for Christmas from the mother-in-law? Oh yes. The husband mentioned to her once that he's interested in possibly frying some shrimp, and the next thing you know...we have this monstrous object taking up space in the cupboard because we will never use it.
Why? I'm certain you are asking.
Because husband realized once he took one look at it that he couldn't conceive of ever frying something himself and cleaning up the mess afterwards.
Sometimes stuff makes me tired.
Val:
Tell your haters that the sun is God's lighting and is free. Then just keep doing it, because people who ridicule others for actually caring about something need hobbies.
Love, D.
Just dropping by from Major Case. I saw your blog listed as a homepage and wanted to say it's most interesting. :)
I do want to say, don't give up. I can relate to how you feel some days. Right now I'm experiencing good karma so I'm a little more hopeful and optimistic.
Never stop trying to engage the world in your own way. You may not be able to sway the whole world all at once but one person at a time is a good start. :)
Just remember as a general rule of thumb, nothing comes easy in life. In fact the most treasured things are things we had to work hard for.
From what I've read so far, you're doing fine. :)
music wench:
Thanks for coming by! That was my tiny surprising thing of the day. Your words are true and gratefully received.
Sorry I haven't been by major case lately, life stuff keeps me from engaging as I would want to. Keeping up with all the threads is sometimes exhausting!
Your blog is great as well, and I've wanted to tell you so, but you don't allow comments (understandably), so I'm glad to tell you now.
keep dropping by,
D.
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